Keep a Secret Working to build a better me.
This is my personal blog.
The oldest posts are triggers, the newest posts are randoms.
And here is where you will find the happy me: bee1442.tumblr.com
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Growing up I had to deal with an alcoholic mom. When she got sick and frail she started picking on me and saying she was so much skinnier than me and I need to lose weight, she started buying clothes for me that were too big saying I’m going to grow into them soon (after I had stopped growing), and basically just started making me feel like shit about my body. I started skipping meals and pushing myself too hard when exercising, to the point where my body was ALWAYS exhausted. I don’t feel comfortable labeling this as anything, but I always knew it was a problem.
It’s taken me almost five years to even begin healing from this. I started antidepressants almost a year ago, and those mixed with my ex boyfriend being there for me and helping me were the reasons why I began healing. But once I started gaining back the weight that my body couldn’t put on before, and once my medication started adding weight too, my entire family started commenting on my weight gain, calling me tubby, saying I need to exercise more and eat less. All of this while I’m still skipping meals.
Honestly? This is my body type. And I am STILL fairly skinny. I have large hips and thighs because every damn woman in my family has large hips and thighs. Trust me, I was already self-conscious enough about them before you started making me feel like a pig. Every other part of my body is relatively thin in comparison, even with the weight gain from my medication.
Sure, this weight gain from my medication was making me feel slightly more self-conscious, but I was finally starting to feel comfortable in my own skin. Thanks guys.

Go away bad thoughts. Leave me alone. No, that girl with beautiful legs but the smallest of bumps on her tummy is not fat. She has every right to show off her stomach in that outfit she’s wearing. No, you are not fatter than her. You may have wider hips and thighs, but that’s because you have a different body shape. That smallest of bumps you see on her and that giant flab you see on yourself? They’re the same size. Stop thinking that way, brain. Your body is beautiful. She is beautiful too. No, she’s not more beautiful than you are. Stop it, stop it, stop it.

When you write a giant post pouring out everything you’ve been needing to say and your phone doesn’t post it OR save it.

At least I got my feelings out -.-



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